From Surviving to Thriving???

I am very nervous.  I have my first appointment tomorrow with a new therapist.  This was not an easy decision; I’ve had a lot of bad therapy experiences.  I also have the tendancy to become overly dependent on therapists.  And, honestly, I have a lot of trust issues.  Yet, I think this can be a positive step for me.

As a Christian, I’ve often felt seeing a therapist was a sign of spiritual weakness.  I believed others expected more of me, and I expected more of myself.  To me, it indicated a problem in my relationship with God, believing if I really trusted Him, I wouldn’t need to rely on other people.  My basic thought was, “Me and Jesus can take care of this, just the two of us.”  If I would’ve been honest, I was really thinking, “I’m afraid to let people in; I don’t want to be hurt again.”  So, I’d put on a happy face and pretend I was doing okay.  One problem – it was all pretend.

 I don’t want to pretend anymore.  I want to be real, to really have peace and joy.  I’m struggling right now, but haven’t given up.  I have (regretably) given in to some of the recent urges, but I haven’t been defeated. 

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

As I said earlier, this is a very hard thing for me, but I think it can be positive.  I can’t do it alone, but seeing a therapist doesn’t mean I don’t trust God.  It means I realize He made all people.  It’s not just me and Jesus; being a Christian makes me part of a body of believers, all of us meant to work together, edifying one another.  How can I say I don’t need others?

 1 Corinthians 12:20-21, 26-27  But now are they many members, yet but one body.  And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you… And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.  Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.

Ok, I know I’m not meant to do it alone.  I also know a therapist, nor anyone, can fix it all for me.  This doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m still afraid to be honest and open.  What if the therapist thinks I need inpatient treatment?  What if things are more out of control than I’d like to admit?  What if I haven’t made a full committment to recovery but feel like a part of me is comfortable being sick?  Lots of “what if’s”, but honestly, I think the last one is my biggest issue.

James 1:6-8  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.  For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.  A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

I think one of my biggest problems is I’m double minded.  I want to be whole, to be an effective minister, to offer hope to others through the word of God.  But, I also want to know others care and give me attention.  The only way I’ve really felt this has been when I’ve been sick, suicidal, too thin, etc.  I know God loves me, and I know there are people who love me, but knowing it in the head is so different than knowing it in the heart.  Truth be told, I’m afraid to be well, that I won’t receive others’ attention.  No wonder I’m unstable.  I ask God for healing and wholeness, but I ask wavering.  At this point, I haven’t made a full committment to recovering.

So, I guess my real issue isn’t the therapist at all, or what I’m afraid may happen.  I’m afraid others will find out I’m not fully committed to wholeness.  Mental illness has so long been a (false) sense of security for me, and I’m afraid to let it go.  I know God’s offered me freedom even in the midst of struggles, but really believing that requires trust in Him.  Ahh, that word, trust.  The therapist can help and support me if I allow her to, but I can’t expect her to be my source of strength or to fulfill my life.  Christ has already offered that.

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I (Jesus) am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Ok, so I got a revelation.  Please pray I can be this honest and allow the therapist to assist me on this journey.  My mental illnesses have been my security, but I have not found the life I desire there.  My relationships with God and people have suffered.  I may have received attention, but it nearly cost my life.  I didn’t set out to get sick; it certainly wasn’t in my plans.  But now I know a much better way that’ll allow me to not just survive but thrive.   I can’t move ahead without releasing my clutch grip on what “got me through” in the past.  Pray that I develop a willingness to let go of this false security and commit to God’s plan. 

I’ll close with potions of a Bible passage I read the other day during my personal study time.  God used it to show me I have been using my mental illness, and its results, as security, but that sense of security is false.  While it may seem like a good thing, it really will only lead to my destruction if I continue to trust in it rather than in Him.  I need to hold fast to my faith, trusting He’ll bring me through this storm.  Though it’s not easy, it’ll be worth it; He’s promised me life.  This doesn’t mean I don’t have real problems – I do – but I don’t have to allow them to rule my life.  Jesus already made the way for me to have victory; the question is, am I willing and ready to let go of my defenses?

Acts 27:13-14, 20, 31-32, 44b And when the south wind blew softly, supposing that they had obtained their purpose, loosing thence, they sailed close by Crete.  But not long after there arose against it a tempestuous wind, called Euroclydon. And when neither sun nor stars in many days appeared, and no small tempest lay on all hope that we should be saved was then taken away…  Paul said to the centurion and to the soldiers, Except these abide in the ship, ye cannot be saved.  Then the soldiers cut off the ropes of the boat, and let her fall off…  And it came to pass, that they escaped all safe to land.

Hi everyone!  Since this is my 1st post, let me introduce myself & why I want to write this blog. 

This is a glimpse into my life; I want to share the struggles & victories, in the hopes this will help others who may be going through similar stuff.  I’m writing this to help my own healing & hopefully the healing of others, maybe even you.  Some of the posts may not be the most pleasant – that’s real life.  My goal in sharing is not to drag others down, but to be real & maybe give others permission to do the same.

I am a Christian who struggles with mental health issues (depression, eating disorder, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, self-harm, & at times suicidal thoughts).  Sometimes, being a Christian makes it more difficult to be real, especially when struggling.  So many perceive a “true” Christian to have a problem free life & doubt your faith if you reveal your struggles; I struggle w/ this lie myself at times, but Jesus never promised an easy life free of struggle or pain.   He did, however, give us ultimate victory over it & offered freedom.  I hope to address this seeming contradiction & common misperception in more detail throughout the blog.

 As I share my ongoing journey, I pray you realize I’m a real person with real “stuff”; I’ll do my best to be open & real in a way that brings hope.  Please forgive me if I go off & present myself in any other way.  Again, I’m a real person & have real “stuff” in my life, as all of us do.  As a Christian, I don’t want to excuse any behavior or attitudes that oppose God’s word.  At the same time I don’t want to be fake or superficial; I’ve done this much of my life.  I’ll do my best to share not only my true thoughts & feelings, but also any Bible verses that address the issues or that help me.  I know my emotions are real & I can’t deny them, but I also know God’s word is truth.  I believe lasting healing can only come through Jesus Christ, as He speaks & reveals Himself & who He made us to be.

In closing this intro, I want to tell you the signifigance of “From Surviving to Thriving???”, the title of the blog.  To this point, I have pretty much survived life (abuse, psychiatric hospitalization, depression, family issues, etc).  But I believe that I don’t, nor do any of us, have to just get through.  I believe that through Christ we can go from surviving to thriving.  I have dreams for my life, dreams I believe to be God-given, but I’m not living them out yet.  I’m stuck in just making it through the day, but honestly, this is not the way I want to live the rest of my life.  Some days I question if I will make it through the next hour, much less move into my destiny, hence the question marks.  But I hold on to at least a glimmer of hope that I can & will. 

I pray this will be an encouragement to you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”